First Date Fumbles: Are Forceful Hand-Holds the New Norm in Singapore's Dating Scene?

A recent Reddit thread on r/SingaporeRaw ignited a passionate discussion about first-date etiquette, particularly around physical contact. User WildOutlandishness24, a 29-year-old woman, shared her bewilderment and discomfort after multiple first dates where men "attempted and even forcefully tried to hold" her hand. As someone who identifies as "quite conservative," the original poster (OP) found herself repeatedly explaining her discomfort, often met with "shocked looks" from her dates.

The OP’s core questions revolved around whether this is a "new norm," if the attempts are "lustful or innocent," and if paying for a meal somehow influences a man's inclination to initiate touch. She clarified that these dates were with men "looking for long term relationships," not casual encounters.

The community's response was a mix of solidarity, differing perspectives, and practical advice. Many users were quick to validate the OP's feelings, emphasizing the paramount importance of consent and respect.

User josemartinlopez commented:

Just say no but describing holding hands as lustful is over the top

However, the OP later clarified her discomfort with the forceful nature, not just the act of hand-holding itself. Living_Transition668 echoed concerns about safety and boundaries:

At this point, you've barely gotten to know each other. It is not right. Be careful, you might meet someone who tries more than just holding hands. Make sure you date at public places.

The idea of respect was a prominent theme. SassyNec, a Top 1% Commenter, stressed its foundational role:

There is no norm or trend when it comes to date, especially first dates. But there is this, respect. U shouldnt even be asking for that but to expect it. It works both ways.

When the OP revealed that a date "kept trying to hold even after i pulled away," user ninhaomah was quick to identify red flags:

he isn't interested in talking before doing - red flag he doesn't care or able read your reactions - another red flag sorry but forcing something on someone who has signaled that he/she doesn't like it isn't perseverance. its domination. you might want to reconsider..

The OP later questioned if a man's explanation – "he told me that he only tried to do so bc he was v attracted to me. n he thinks physical touch is a sign that hes into me." – constituted gaslighting. User weuji firmly stated:

Bullshit. OP u have the right to decide when you are comfortable doing whatever. That’s your right and that’s basic respect to respect that!

Some commenters suggested that these actions are often "testing the waters" or gauging a date's comfort level. User yuaras wrote:

i do think guys do that to test water. kind of a gauge of how far you willing to go with him on the first date. i don't think this is normal if it is your first date though. but just tell him you are not comfortable with it. If he get offended, you know he is not the right one for you

A significant male perspective, offered by Educational_Garlic38, shed light on why some men might push for physical contact early on:

The guy may try to hold your hand, because he wants to test how comfortable you are with him. It is a date after all not a friendly hangout... So even if you are conservative, you should be cognizant that many guys won’t have the patience to deal with you because they’ll think “a girl who was actually interested in me like that would be chill with holding hands”

This comment, while insightful, led to further reflection from the OP on whether her boundaries might be perceived as disinterest or lead to her being overlooked by certain types of daters.

However, many male commenters emphasized respect and consent. DapperOrganization40 shared a charming anecdote about how he initiated hand-holding respectfully:

Well, we were on a date and we were walking & talking at the same time. I think we both had the vibe that we were interested in each other already and I just asked if I could hold her hand and she responded with a “sure!” We held hands and started swinging our hands like primary school kids and the rest was history 😂

DueOstrich9364, reflecting on the complexities of dating, offered a nuanced perspective on communication:

I don't think there's a true normal for what couples do on a first date, it really all depends on them and their comfort level with each other. Perhaps the guy is more comfortable with taking the initiative for skinship, but it should always be done with consent... I never proceeded without a clear green light.

The thread underscores the crucial, yet often unaddressed, issue of consent and differing expectations in modern dating. While there's no universal "normal" for physical intimacy on a first date, the overwhelming sentiment leans towards respecting boundaries, clear communication, and understanding that a "no" – or even a subtle pull-away – means "no." It highlights the need for daters to prioritize their comfort and for dates to respect expressed boundaries, ensuring that building a connection doesn't come at the cost of personal space and autonomy.